A Bitter Sweet Wait

Have you ever had something that you were looking so forward to and knew that once you got it you would be so happy and a little sad at the same time? Well that is how I feel right now. We are still waiting for our baby girl to grace us with her presence. I never thought that I would still be pregnant at this point. I have gone through so many emotions with this pregnancy, not just the normal mood swings that everyone gets when they are having a baby. It took us in what our opinion seemed a while to get pregnant. We tried and tried for a year, while all of our friends around us shared their good news for expecting a baby. Yes we already had four beautiful little children, but when you KNOW that there should be another one it is kinda hard to deal with when it just doesn't happen. We never had to "try" before and this was a new feeling that needed to be worked through. After a little over a year we found out we were finally expecting. A few weeks into our pregnancy I started bleeding. I was placed on bed rest for the whole first trimester. That was another new experience for me. At that time I was so miserable, I went into depression. I had four kids at home that I home schooled and I felt like I was failing as mom and teacher. I had thoughts that scared me, like just thinking that I should just miscarry already and get it over with. If it weren't for an amazing visiting teacher I don't know what I wold have done, she brought meals, cleaned my house, and took care of my children. I love her more than she knows. Then into my second trimester things were fine, no more bed rest. The whole second trimester went by just like any other, full of energy and anticipation. The third trimester has been a little harder than I thought it would be. Not so much physically, as emotionally. We have had a few false alarms, where everyone gets very excited and then to be sent home with no hope of a time to come. I have been at 3cm and 70%+ effaced for more than a week and a half. So every day has been "today can be the day", and every night is "tonight could be the night".  After a few days of thinking and feeling like this, I started to feel like she was never going to come, and that God just wanted me to stay pregnant forever because he wasn't answering my prayers for her to come already. After a few very low feeling days, spent with me just crying in bed from the moment I woke up until I feel asleep at night. And really just having a poor me pity party, and thinking about everything that I wanted (like my mom to be here, for my husband to be home all day, for this baby to be here) I realized that everything I was sad about and wanted were out of my control (I am a big control freak). So when I came to the understanding that all the stress and sadness I was feeling came from me feeling like I had no control I was able to snap myself out of it. I immediately knelt down and spoke to my Father in Heaven. I first apologized for blaming Him for my feelings, then I told Him how I felt and what I wanted and that I knew it was not the same as what He wanted for me. I let it all go. I got up from that prayer with such a weight lifted off of me. I now feel ready to except however, whenever, and wherever this baby is to be born. It may not be just how I want it to be but it will be just the way it is supposed to be. I am now trying and I do mean trying to enjoy every last second that I get to be a mom to just four, and to enjoy every uncomfortable feeling that comes from being soooo pregnant. We know that this is the last time that we will ever go through being pregnant and expecting again. We are ready to begin our new stage in life. Like I said I can hardly wait for this baby to be here and when she is I know we will all be so happy. I will also be a little sad to know that she is going to be the last baby that we bring into this world. So as I go through my next few days or weeks (whatever she decides) I will be reflecting on this this bitter sweet wait.